This is the first article of a new series, as you my have guessed, focusing on those in Hollywood who insist on fucking with my childhood. For the first one, I will be tackling that son of a bitch Michael Bay and his remake of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

For many, this isn’t the first time Bay has taken up the task of destroying something that we hold near and dear. Although I was not a follower of Transformers as a kid and enjoyed the movies for what they were, key phrase being “for what they were,” I did feel the pain of my friends who suffered through the trilogy. One thing that I have been able to identify with along with my friends, however, is the instance by George Lucas of destroying everything that we hold as sacred (I will save Lucas for another installment, though).

I loved the Ninja Turtles as a kid. I watched the cartoon every morning, played with the toys every day, and was thrilled to see the movies, even though looking back they weren’t so great. I spent the weekends with my cousins and friends playing Ninja Turtles, and even took kung-fu for a couple of years out of my love for the heroes in a half-shell. I had sincerely hoped that after the last animated appearance of the Ninja Turtles the franchise would be left alone and they would continue to remain a very happy part of my childhood.

And then I read this a few weeks ago: http://popwatch.ew.com/2012/03/27/michael-bay-statement-teenage-mutant-ninja-turtles/

A change to the title, that’s not so bad. Maybe It won’t effect the story too much. Although I don’t give much credence to what Bay has to say to reassure fans, here was his response to ease the concerns:

Paramount marketing changed the name. They made the title simple. The characters you all remember are exactly the same, and yes they still act like teenagers. Everything you remember, why you liked the characters, is in the movie. This script is being developed by two very smart writers, with one of the original creators of Ninja Turtles. They care VERY MUCH about making this film for the fans. Everyone on this team cares about the fans. Just give them a chance. Jonathan [Liebesman] the director, is a major fan of the whole franchise. HE’S NOT GOING TO LET YOU DOWN.

Michael

Okay, maybe this won’t be so bad. But then I read this: http://popwatch.ew.com/2012/03/20/michael-bay-teenage-mutant-ninja-turtles-reponse/?hpt=hp_t3

Are you fucking kidding me? Alien Ninja Turtles? Michael Bay, you are officially a motherfucker.

Again, Bay wrote a response.

Fans need to take a breath, and chill. They have not read the script. Our team is working closely with one of the original creators of Ninja Turtles to help expand and give a more complex back story. Relax, we are including everything that made you become fans in the first place. We are just building a richer world.

Building a richer world? Really? The only things you seem to understand are explosions and CGI. Considering the stellar job you did with Transformers, I guess we shouldn’t be worried (if you’re like Sheldon Cooper, that was sarcasm). And you’re including everything that made us all fans in the first place? You say that like we should be grateful that you’re not just simply bend us over and shoving it in. As Cartman said, you could at least lick your thumb and moisten my asshole before you fuck me. But honestly, I would prefer that Bay didn’t fuck me at all. I can only hope that the director and writers manage to put a film together that isn’t completely embarrassing and a middle-finger to the fans.

We all know what this is, though; the studio wants to create a new generation of fans who will become hooked and buy (of course I mean the parents of children, but probably the parents of other people who still live in the basement or the room above the garage in some cases) everything from t-shirts to new toys based off of the movie. If it goes well enough, it will certainly become a new movie franchise and generate at least one spinoff cartoon. Even though Bay is receiving the majority of my rage, in many ways, Paramount is just as much at fault.

I sincerely hope he doesn’t cock this one up, but I really don’t have much confidence. Do you think he’ll be able to pull it off?

Stop Fucking with my Childhood: Michael Bay and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
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